Abracadabra

It's been two weeks since I began this journey. I realized my dreams a bit ago, but I think we often talk ourselves out of going after things. Sometimes the reasons are very practical, other times it's more of our fears and self-sabotage that gets in our way. I believed my problem came from believing in myself. I had to change my self-talk and aggressively follow my heart. The universe did everything in its power to propel me into what is the right decision for myself.

But once I had gotten started I came to understand that there where many different obstacles that I needed to learn how to overcome. One of which was my need for everything to happen at once. Honestly! I've been at this for two weeks and I have already had to tell myself to stop rushing it! Thinks don't happen overnight, and there are a lot of tasks and skill sets to become acquainted with.

Video editing, lighting, marketing, website design, branding, business management, event creation, The list continues, and these are just the things recently. And still, I've caught myself feeling like I'm not doing enough, not producing enough or working hard enough, that I should have more clout, more visibility or be reaching wider markets. It's like the spirit of corporate America shows its ugly head deep inside of our own hearts. To add to that Black Americans have always had to work 3 times as hard to get half as much.

And Life doesn't stop right, I felt very disheartened many times since this has begun, questioning if I can do this. But here's the thing, absolutely.

Part of the process of decolonizing is unlearning the toxic rhetoric that is ingrained so deeply. I know I was meant to do this. I know I have valuable things to say, a valuable perspective to offer, I can't let anything get in my way. What that means for me is being true and kind to myself. If I need the break I take it, if I feel overwhelmed I do one thing then stop. If I'm having doubts I spend the day being gentle with myself, reassuring myself and reminding myself why I did this. I believe in myself, apologetically, relentlessly. No one learns to speak overnight but soon you find yourself talking in your sleep.

It is a process. Slowly, continuously, patiently.